Tip for Mentors: Help Someone Heal. Reach Out to Cure the Holiday Blues

We’ve been hearing from some of our mentors and mentees about the different issues that young people experience during the holidays when they see everyone else seemingly happy and in the holiday spirit while they’re experiencing negative emotions with their family or home situation. 

So, though you just heard from us, we thought this would be helpful!

Reach Out to Cure the Holiday Blues

During the holidays we tend to get busy and spend less time with our mentees as our focus turns to our immediate families and our holiday preparation and trips.  This, however, is also a time when many of our mentees feel a sense of longing for the kinds of family love that they see portrayed in the media but may not be getting at home.  Children often are reminded of the losses they have experienced and the difference between their life and Ozzy and Harriet type fantasies. 

“Holiday blues" range from mild sadness during the holidays to severe depression.  Real medicine for holiday blues is knowing that someone cares about you.  If you’re feeling holiday blues, you can give yourself some healing by reaching out to your mentee.  Even if they don’t respond the way you want, you can know that you did something

So, please try to stay in contact with your mentee during the time between now and the New Year. 

o   A simple phone call from their mentor is a big statement that someone cares. 

o   Doing something special with your mentee is even more powerful when you are able to make the time. 

o   Don’t forget to send your mentee a Holiday card. 

o   If you go somewhere special during the holidays, perhaps you can send a postcard to your mentee.

o   A caveat: Try to resist the temptation of giving expensive gifts to your mentee.

 Finally, all of us at Youth Mentoring Connection are privileged during the holidays to witness thousands of caring relationships.  You can’t beat that for holiday warmth and cheer.

Tony's Blog: We have it in our power to begin the world over again

Dear Friends,

When I woke up this morning my heart was full. There is something in the air. It smells like optimism, sounds like enthusiasm and feels like love. It comes in the form of an outpouring of support for our dream of an Urban Oasis for teens in the heart of the city.

That feeling has since given way to deep reflection as I realize that this is the day that we celebrate the life of another man who had a dream: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., visionary leader and advocate for human rights for all. Unfortunately we must also reflect upon his death in 1968 at the hands of those who felt that such a vision could be silenced. It cannot. His life was ended, but his voice lives on.

I call upon the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. for guidance in our quest for cultural renewal. I call on his legacy to fuel our courage to check the ignorance of racism, born from hatred which in turn is born from fear. We need the memory of MLK to incite the promise of Obama that is threatened by incivility and the disingenuousness of political discourse. A political solution without a cultural shift will be short-lived. The very work that we do at Youth Mentoring Connection is aimed directly at such a shift. Our best hope is in understanding our interconnectedness, revisiting old wisdom, understanding new ways of connecting (social networking, media outreach, etc.) and practicing compassion toward our youth and their communities. We’ll have to use all these tools and our greatest levels of creativity.

Yet, as our name implies, it comes down to developing a culture of mentoring. It comes down to our ability to proliferate the number of adults who will approach our youth in the spirit of “Sawubona” (Zulu for “I see you”), to recognize the “gifts” they were each born into this world to share. Indeed to recognize that the most wounded of them carry deep medicine that we all need, and by helping them heal we learn to heal the entire culture.

Mentoring as practiced at YMC is a community endeavor rooted in the imagination of old wisdom. The word comes from Homer’s Odyssey and involves the healing of a culture wracked by war. “Mentor” becomes guide for the young prince Telemachus and inspires him to find his voice and go on the necessary journey into adulthood. The ultimate conclusion is that the gifts of the youth mingle with that of the elder, thus driving out the forces of fear. I believe that is our battle today. If we defeat fear, we can face ourselves, face our individual and collective wounds, and build the compassionate society that has always been the promise of America.

Thomas Paine wrote, “We have it in our power to begin the world over again.”

What an amazing thing, this human capacity to reinvent ourselves; to start anew. Let’s use the symbolism of a new year and the inspiration of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. to inspire us to move our society to where all peoples can finally say:

"Free at last, free at last.
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

yours in peace,

Tony

Monday's Mentor Tip: How can I be a role model for my mentee?

As we all know, there are no “fit all” formulas for our mentees. Each kid is unique, and needs a special blend of ingredients to reach his or her full potential. We may be concerned as a mentor about being a good role model for them. Perhaps we feel unfamiliar with our mentee’s circumstances and life experiences, and don’t think we can offer them any answers. Or perhaps we are unsure if our own life accomplishments are significant enough to share with someone else. However, there are certain steps we, as mentors can take, to make a huge difference as a role model – and it starts with being true to ourselves.

Let’s start with being honest. Our kids are far too savvy for us to fool, so don’t do it. Often mentors think they need to be “perfect” for their mentee. Kids know that perfection doesn’t exist, and can’t trust someone who isn’t comfortable with showing their fears and flaws. How can we ask our kids to confront their uncertainties and insecurities, if we can’t do the same - in front of them? So, playing the “adult”, with the good advice and proper behavior, can give kids mixed messages. If you show them everything should always be “perfect” and “orderly,” you are telling them that this is how life is, and this is how they “should be.” It establishes an unrealistic expectation for the kid, and can make them feel insecure and uncomfortable. Their lives aren’t perfect - never will be. What they need to see is an alternative reality to their lives, where adults are challenged, but make sound, thoughtful choices. They need to see you make those choices, they want to see you sweat and struggle.

“If we don’t know what our kids’ problems are, we can’t help them,” a mentor once said. Not True. Kids learn to deal with their problems by watching how the adults they trust handle totally unrelated problems. What they do is modeling the behavior they saw, and applying it to a comparable situation. The context might be totally different, but the emotions and the tone could be similar. They learn by watching you, how you deal with people, situations, problems, obstacles and conflicts.

So what do you do? Participate fully. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, be embarrassed, have fun, or push your comfort zone - and tell your mentee how you feel about it all. If you sit back and watch, so will your mentee. But, if you push yourself and overcome challenges, with your mentee in tow, you are providing an invaluable lesson. You don’t have to share your deepest darkest secrets with one another to have a significant impact. You just need to step outside the “zone”, and give your mentee the opportunity to see how positive, successful adults make decisions, overcome barriers, resolve conflict and get in touch with their inner child. They will watch everything you do - help make it count.

January Mentor Tips

2-MINUTE MENTOR TIPS

By Youth Mentoring Connection

A series of helpful hints for mentors

January 14, 2009

Coming up in this issue:

Scenario: What would you do? Situations you may encounter with your mentee

Things To Do: Things to do with your mentee

Inspiration: Selected quote(s)

What would you do?

Situation:

Your mentee just failed one course and received a “D” in another. You want to help him improve his grades.

As a great mentor I would…

A) “Have him bring his schoolwork to our next session so that I can review it to discover just where I can help out. In the areas that I’m not able to help him, I’ll find someone who can.”

B) “His grades are not my job. Although I care about his grades, I’m a social mentor, not a tutor. I can help best by making our time together fun and by helping my mentee feel good about himself.”

C) “Discuss the situation with him to determine what the root causes of the poor performance are.”

Although there is some merit to each of the answers, we feel that the best solution to this situation is “C”. Let’s take a look at each one:

A) “Have him bring his schoolwork to our next session so that I can review it to discover just where I can help out. In the areas that I’m not able to help him, I’ll find someone who can.”

Sometimes the temptation is to jump right in and fix the problem. However, the problem may not be your mentee’s ability to do the work or comprehend the subject matter. You could spend hours reviewing your mentee’s subjects with him only to find out that the issue is not comprehension, but something else like “not turning in assignments / getting homework done”, or missing too many classes.

B) “His grades are not my job. Although I care about his grades, I’m a social mentor, not a tutor. I can help best by making our time together fun and by helping my mentee feel good about himself.”

It is true that in most programs there is a clear distinction between mentor and tutor. However, there are many ways you can help without actually engaging in the academics directly. Even though you are not required, or trained to be a tutor, not addressing the problem would also be setting a bad example. Social mentor’s roles are to be a resource and to help the mentee learn to solve problems.

C) “Discuss the situation with him to determine what the root causes of the poor performance are.”

We like this answer because it gives you the opportunity to help your mentee in a very significant way with a current and serious issue, without taking his academic problems on as yours. Here is a simple game plan:

1. First, get yourself in a good place to be helpful by establishing a healthy mindset: Accept that this is a serious situation without being alarmed about it, and realize that your mentee may or may not see it as a serious problem. Your most important job as a mentor is to help your mentee feel that he can get through this. Above all, try not to be judgmental, which may create defensiveness from your mentee that could get in the way of resolution.

2. Once you’re in the right mindset, check your mentee’s attitude. Is he willing to take responsibility? Ask questions like: “What do you think is the reason for these grades?” “Are you interested in exploring some ways that you might be able to bring them up?”

3. If you’ve been through Youth Mentoring Connection’s Mentor Training, this is a good place to apply the “5 Questions Problem Solving” technique. (If you haven’t been through that particular training, the point of the technique is to empower your mentee by asking questions that allow the mentee to discover what he does that gets in the way of his own success and then develop his own plan for resolving it.)

4. After doing this you may find that your mentee simply does not comprehend the subject matter, or may have fallen so far behind that he’ll not catch up without additional help. If you are capable and interested in taking on the tutoring role, then by all means do so. However, this is not the primary role of a mentor in most programs. So, you may also want to help your mentee by working with him to find the appropriate help. Your program coordinator should be able to tell you what tutoring is available at your mentee’s school.

5. Some other things you may want to consider doing to help your mentee:

· Get to know his teachers. Introduce yourself to them and ask them how you can lend a hand. Check beforehand with the parents so they feel supported and not that you are trying to intrude into their territory.

· Help your mentee design a homework schedule. Help him organize his assignments and complete them on time.

· Review your mentee’s course load and help him discover if he needs to make some adjustments.

· Spend part of your meeting time working on his homework and congratulate him on small accomplishments.

· Make learning fun. Engage your mentee in researching and learning about topics he's interested in, whether or not they’re part of school work, so that he enjoys the learning process

· Find out if the program or your mentee’s school offers training in how to be a tutor.

Inspiration

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

- Winnie the Pooh

How can we help? If you have any questions/concerns regarding your
relationship with your mentee, please feel free to email them to us at
ymc@youthmentoring.org

Support our vital work with youth!

Youth Mentoring Connection is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization. All contributions are tax deductible - tax ID #95-4845105.

Youth Mentoring Connection

1818 S Western Avenue, Ste 505

Los Angeles, CA 90006

Ph: (323) 731-8080 Fax: (323) 731-9090

Check out the world of YMC Mentoring – And see photographs of Mentoring in action

www.change2lives.blogspot.com

SIgn up to Mentor and change a kids life

http://www.youthmentoring.org/10vol.html

Visit us on Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Los-Angeles-CA/Youth-Mentoring-Connection/38146138695

December Mentor Tips

2-MINUTE MENTOR TIPS

By Youth Mentoring Connection

A series of helpful hints for mentors

12/11/08

Coming up in this issue:

Scenario: What would you do? Situations you may encounter with your mentee

Things To Do: Things to do with your mentee

Inspiration: Selected quote(s)

What would you do?

Situation:

Q: What are the guidelines for giving a gift to my mentee?

It is certainly okay to give your mentee a modest gift for the holidays, or for his/her birthday. However, please keep in mind that when you give of yourself (your time, energy and caring) you offer the greatest gift of all.

For material gifting, here are some things to consider:

1. Keep it simple and inexpensive. When your gift is too extravagant you risk being seen as a source for material goods, which changes the nature of the relationship.

2. Gifts that say, “I’m thinking of you” or “I really value this relationship” are the best. Some examples would be a framed photo of you and your mentee at an activity; or something relevant to what you’ve been discussing together, such as a book on careers, or a sports book, or something simple related to your culture.

3. A good alternative to a material gift would be to take your mentee someplace special.

4. Do not give your mentee a gift that his/her family could not afford.

5. Never give your mentee a gift in the presence of other mentor/mentee pairs. Some students may receive gifts and others might not, which creates problems at school and resentful students. This may also put other mentors in a difficult position.

6. If you are part of a work-site mentoring program your company may decide to give a gift to each of the students participating in the program. That’s okay, because it is seen as coming from the organization, and doesn’t impinge on your individual relationship. It is still recommended that the gifts be modest.

7. If you know that your mentee has a real need for something you can provide, but doesn’t fit into the parameters above, you may want to find a creative way for the mentee to earn it or ‘win’ it from the program. This challenges you to examine your motives, because you don’t get to be the generous ‘Santa’. It is the program that is giving the gift and not you. We believe that in the long run this will serve you, your mentee, and her family better.

Again, we want our youth to understand that the purpose of having a mentor is not to receive cool gifts, but to develop a friendship with a caring adult.

Inspiration

“Give whatever you give with love. Then even the tiniest pebble you offer will have great meaning. Its fruit will come back to you a thousand fold, because it is not the pebble that you give, it is love.”

- Gurumayi



Our sincerest Holiday Wishes to our favorite class of people:
Those that give of themselves so children may be better off. Thank you mentors!



How can we help? If you have any questions/concerns regarding your
relationship with your mentee, please feel free to email them to us at
ymc@youthmentoring.org



check out whats happening in LA during the Holidays

Youth Mentoring Connection

1818 S Western Avenue, Ste 505

Los Angeles, CA 90006



Ph: (323) 731-8080 Fax: (323) 731-9090